When Old Wounds Resurface: Understanding Relational Trauma

As a refresh from last week's blog post (if you missed it, you can check that out (HERE) we discussed the impacts of relational trauma, and the hard work that goes into healing from its impacts. It takes some time, the right support and willingness to heal, but in the end, it is worth it to protect your peace. So, you have done the work. Maybe your family dynamic has shifted, maybe you set some strong boundaries, or maybe you chose distance and you have been feeling great for years within your family unit. Then all of a sudden something, (or someone) brings old wounds back to the surface - it could be something as big as another traumatic event, or something as small as an argument, even if the other person/situation involved had nothing to do with your original trauma. And hey, we are not blaming anyone here.. this is just how trauma functions sometimes (very rude), and it can even be good things that make it resurface - because there's a part of you that feels it needs to be protected. A new relationship, a moment of conflict, even a simple comment from someone can stir old pain up that creates emotions that feel way bigger than the actual moment itself. 

Now, maybe you are finding yourself shutting down when someone new is getting too close. Maybe you find yourself riddled with anxiety when not getting a speedy reply after texting one of your friends… or questioning yourself if you were “too much” or “said the wrong thing” after an outing.  Maybe you are starting to feel some shame, guilt or anger that these old emotions are resurfacing again.

This is the unruly nature of relational trauma, and it's often not about what's happening now, it's about what your body and nervous system remember from the past.

Why does Relational Trauma resurface?

Relational trauma usually stems from early relationships. Ones where love, safety and consistency were missing or unpredictable. I often work with folks who experienced relational trauma as a child, when a parent was struggling with meeting their needs. When your early-year needs are not met, you learn to adapt. You guard yourself, maybe disappear emotionally, or possibly search and cling to any form of connection, love or support. 

Later on in life, when a new relationship starts to feel safe that old protective part can try to swoop right back in, and it can bring old pain and emotions back up. This is an example of how even good things can trigger symptoms of relational trauma.

What are some more signs that relational trauma is being stirred up?

• You are experiencing intense emotional reactions that might not match the moment

• You are fearing abandonment - even when you know rationally you are safe, or you are being told you are safe 

• You are feeling the urge to push people away, even those you care about

• You are struggling to open up to people, or trust them, even if you want to 

  And remember, if you are experiencing any of the above, it is not your fault. They are trauma responses, not defining who you are. It is your nervous system saying oh heck, the last time I felt this way and was close to someone, trusted them or got close, I got really hurt… I don't want that to happen again. We know these things are not your fault, but we are also aware this can hinder building healthy relationships.

Healing Relational Trauma: What Actually Helps:

As we learned last week, healing is a process and it is not linear. It is about moving through the pain at your own pace, allowing yourself to sit with what you are feeling, not forcing yourself to just “get over it”. This will help you re-build your sense of safety slowly, and recognize the parts of you that are still holding on to some pain. 

Some tips that can help: 

• Self compassion - you are not over reacting, give yourself some grace and know that these symptoms and emotions are coming from somewhere meaningful.

• Therapy - I specialize in this area, schedule a free consultation HERE. I am a trauma informed and certified therapist. I can help you  make sense of what's going on.

• Body awareness - trauma lives in your body! Practices like meditation, breathing exercises, movement techniques and somatic work can really help!

• Building safe relationships - surround yourself with folks that make you feel good, and respect your boundaries. Ask yourself: do I feel like this relationship is helping me live the life I truly want?

& of course my friends remember,  you are not alone in this - you got this.

If old pain is resurfacing, instead of dwelling on it as a set-back, think of it as an invitation to come back home to yourself, and learn more about you! There's a part of you that is ready to be seen, listened to, recognized and cared for in a different way. Remember, healing doesn't mean being perfect. 

Need some support navigating relational trauma, or relational trauma that's resurfacing? This is one of my speciality areas, especially if your relational trauma is rooted in your childhood relationship with your parent(s) or caregiver. Click the button below to book a free consultation with me. We will chat about how you are feeling, decide if we are a good fit to work together, and get you on the path to feeling better and more connected with yourself. 

Want more? Check out some of my favorite journaling prompts for relational trauma below. Write as much or as a little as you would like, there's no right answer. These are great for reflection on your own, or to bring to your next therapy session to share with your therapist!

Journaling Prompts for Reflection:

1. What does safety in a relationship mean to me?

2. Are there parts of me that try to protect me from getting hurt? 

3. What are they afraid of?

4. When have I felt truly seen or supported by someone? 

5. What made that feel different? 

6. What do I need more of in my relationships to feel secure and grounded? 

7. What's one small way I can offer myself compassion this week when old patterns come up?

8. When was the last time I felt triggered in a relationship?

9. What did I notice in my body?